It’s been a couple of days since you saw me around here. During these days I’ve done a lot of thinking and I feel it’s only fair to share those thoughts with you because I left everyone here pretty clueless, but I really needed some time to think and I learned so much about myself and I always like to think that everything happens for a reason, especially those things that have a huge affect on us, because eventually it’s those things that make you stronger.
I understood several things; that no matter how hard I would try, I can’t always please everyone, I can’t always be on good terms with everyone and I can’t always prevent stuff happening. All my life I’ve wanted to be in control of everything, everything I do, everything I think and I really mean like everything. I thought that was a safe way to live, trying to be in control, but in stead of it, I built a prison to myself. I understood that my happiness shouldn’t be depending on other people; what they think of me and how they see me etc. I really don’t blame anyone for this and I certainly don’t try to say that I was the victim here, in stead of that I understood that everything is really up to us. It’s about how we take things that happen in life and I’ve taken everything way too seriously, but that is just the way I’ve always been. I’m a girl who needs other people’s acceptation in order to feel good about myself and every time something opposite happens my whole world starts to shake; "I can’t please that person, what can I do now? I lost my control, help, I wasn’t prepared for this".
To clear something up at this point, I just want to say that this thing I write is just about me and me only and it just happened to be this thing that finally made me realise certain things about myself and about life. Things aren’t always that black and white and even though you’ve had many warning signs before, you don’t always learn from the first time you have let yourself down and I believe that in this case too, the main problem was between my own ears.
I also realised that I shouldn’t identify myself based on what I do, that’s just a way to fool myself. I thought that icons were part of me, part of who I am but it’s not like that. It’s just something I enjoy doing. The reason why I got so upset in the first place was that I thought I lost a little piece of myself in the process. I thought that when I no longer felt like making icons, that little piece inside of me died, which basically made me think I couldn’t live without it. But it’s always like that in life. When we’re keen on something or someone, no matter if it’s a person, an object or something we do. We think we can’t live without that thing when we feel like we’ve lost it, but the truth is that we can. I told myself that this can’t control my life and there should be other things that make me happy than this and when I understood that this was something I wouldn’t need to do necessarily, the prison door opened and I flew. Finally I felt I was free. I understood that I haven’t been in control, this whole thing controlled me.
You may wonder why I returned if I figured out I don’t need this, well I hope it makes things a bit easier now that I know I’ve got other options and I also like to try a lighter approach to this whole iconing thing; I could start keep my entries open for everyone again, I could try not to take this too seriously, because when the rules are too strict, that really kills anyone’s inspiration towards anything and that is one thing I fooled myself with. I went along with it to only realise it made me unhappy. There are certain things I can’t avoid/control so why would I try so hard. It hurts so much more when you’ve had an effort of preventing something you don’t want than when you haven’t done so much. I still wish people would credit when using my icons, but if I find icons of mine without credit I shouldn’t go nuts and feel depressed because people have different values and I can’t control everyone the way they think or the way I feel they should think. I’m not saying like go ahead and steal my icons, see if I care, but I just want that something we do for fun isn’t that deadly serious.
During these days I also started to photograph again and I truly was a very nice surprise to notice that there are so much I can do in 24 hours than sit on a computer day after day making icons. And who knows, maybe I could use my photographs as textures or something in the future. I could also really start to think new subjects as well, because there’s so much more in me than the girl who likes period dramas.
And as for the style matter, I thought of that as well and found out something. I really think that had a lot to do with pleasing as well. I couldn’t see that part of it before but now I’m pretty sure it had a huge impact with this. When I returned after my previous break, and when I started to take part in different challenges regularly, I fell in love with a certain style in general, because it was all around. Maybe I started to question my own work, I don’t know but I somehow jumped in to that pattern because it was something most people liked and I made myself to think that I had found something that was representing me as well, because I’ve always been very romantic person and I let it to become part of me. It’s pretty hard to admit how lost I really was. I just wanted to please my members giving them what I thought they wanted, what I thought was in fashion when really it should be up to me. I should have done the same thing I did before and if people would have liked my style, good, if not they can always go somewhere else. I think it was very hard for me to spot this since I really like the same subjects and maybe I somehow thought that it was the only way to make them. I don’t know but I do know now. Sometimes you have to go far to see close.
And after this I hope you understand me a little bit better, if not you don’t have to, if you can’t forgive me or let go what happened in the past, none of you have to, I’m not asking for that but me personally, I just want to move on, no matter what other people would think, but I’d really appreciate it if you’d let me do just that.
I really think the world should be our oyster and I think that life is here, right now and I wouldn’t want to waste any time being anything negative. Again, I can only speak for myself and I can only change myself and I’m really happy I finally woke up. I’ve been in a sleep, I’ve been in a twilight zone but now I truly feel I’m awake and now I can only hope other people could find a way to think positive too. I know negative things are always harder to forget and I’m not sure myself when I actually start to make icons again. I let this become so big part of my life so I now feel that I should do something else for a while. I’m pretty sure I’ll come back though.
And here’s a quote from a song that I think fits to this entry’s theme pretty well:
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten